REPORT: How to Survive the Napa Farmers Market

A Valley Villager Special Report

California’s produce is without peer, making Napa’s Farmers Market one of our most popular attractions for locals and tourists alike. As a result of its limited business hours and high volume of visitors, the Farmers Market is not the bucolic celebration of community that it is often made out to be, but in fact a zero-sum game where only the cunning survive. Here are some tips for making the most of your next trip.

(Note: If you would prefer to not only survive, but thrive at the Napa Farmers Market, check out Executive Director Cara Mae Wooledge’s recent piece for the Napa Valley Register.)

1. MARKET DATES
   
   Go on a Saturday. The so-called “Tuesday Market” is an elaborate hoax. Who would do something so nefarious? No one knows for sure, just as no one knows who organizes the Napa Farmers Market. Tents and produce appear in that parking lot each week, seemingly of their own volition, like seagulls or fog.
   
   

2. MARKET HOURS
   
   Plan to wake with the sun. The Market is only open from 5:30am - 5:45am. When morning’s dew is gone, so too will the Farmers Market.
   
   

3. DOGS
   
   Dogs are not allowed, so definitely bring your dog. Without one you will be considered an outsider and a threat.
   
   

4. DRIVING TO THE MARKET
   
   Pedestrians are everywhere. Take great care to frighten them. When you see a one crossing the street, accelerate until you reach the crosswalk. Don’t wait for them to make it safely to the sidewalk; you will lose a valuable opportunity to clip their Hoka-ed foot. Fear is currency at the Farmers Market, and intimidation tactics like this teach street-walkers their place.
   
   

5. PARKING
   
   Parking is scarce at the Farmer’s Market, so take the first spot you see – even if it is already occupied. If a six-point turn is required, make the turn. If you block traffic for 20 minutes, so be it. If you graze a parklet, that’s Napa Valley Bistro’s problem, not yours.
   
   

6. WALKING TO MARKET
   
   Once parked, you must endeavor a difficult emotional feat: Take all the animus you previously felt for pedestrians and reverse it. You are now Pedestrian. Driver is now your enemy. Don’t let their fear tactics rattle you. Dart in front of every car you see. Show them that you cannot be intimidated. These streets are yours.
   
   

7. GROCERY LIST
   
   Bring a list of the things that you want to purchase. Before entering the Market, cross off the top three items on your list – these are already sold out, and it isn’t worth wasting valuable time looking for them.
   
   

8. NAVIGATING THE MARKET
   
   In cities, it is customary to hew to the right side of the sidewalk, just as one drives on the right side of the road. Such decorum will only impede you at the Farmers Market. Here, social niceties are a sign of weakness. If someone stands between you and the last ripe tomato, bare your teeth. Even if you lose the resulting skirmish, escalating the conflict will improve your status in Market hierarchy.
   
   

9. ENCOUNTERING FRIENDS
   
   You are sure to run into someone you know at the Farmers Market. When you spot a friendly face, only two approaches are appropriate: (1) Avoid eye contact and duck behind the hummus guy; or (2) Plant yourself in the center of an aisle and engage in a lengthy conversation. If people are able to navigate around you, you’ll know that you have not planted yourself correctly and you’ll need to readjust. Your fellow shoppers will not only understand – where else can you and your pals loudly debate the best wings in Napa? – they will thank you for giving the strawberry sample guy more time to cajole them.
   
   

10. LEATHER BELT GUY
    
    Do not look the leather belt guy in the eye.
    
    

11. CLOTHING
    
    Dress to blend in. To get out unscathed, you do not want to attract attention to yourself: Tall poppies get lopped, and this is nowhere more true than in the delicate social ecosystem that is the Farmers Market. Athleisure is your friend: Vuori, Lululemon, On Cloud, whatever Instagram suggests will work, provided it is expensive and form-fitting.
    
    

12. VENDORS
    
    However charming and kind they may be, however delicious their wares, do not, under any circumstances, engage The Vendor. The seemingly idyllic and fulfilling nature of The Vendor’s lifestyle – their dedication to craft, commitment to community, etc. – will only confuse you. Prolonged exposure to The Vendor will result in fits of existential pique: You will begin to interrogate your life decisions, question why you have an office job, wonder why you aren’t a Vendor yourself. In a bid for meaning and connection, you will start a local newsletter. You will begin to shirk your professional and familial obligations and focus only on the newsletter. Penniless and alone, you will refresh Substack every 30 seconds, hoping for a new comment, any new comment.
    
    Do not engage The Vendor.
    
    

13. KIDS
    
    For those of us disappointed with how our children have turned out, the Farmers Market is a good place to shake them. The stimulation of the Market will make them more obnoxious than usual, extinguishing the possibility of a last minute change of heart.
    
    In terms of method, the simpler the better: As soon as they reach for a Nobunanga popcorn sample, step backwards and blend into the crowd. Resist the temptation to run, you will risk drawing attention to yourself.
    
    When you make it back home, feel confident that you did the right thing. They will be fine. Vendors are known to take in and train Market urchins; their small hands make them useful for detail-oriented tasks like plucking parsley and repairing Square readers.
    
    To avoid the risk of your children recognizing you, you may want to avoid the Farmers Market for several weeks, but before long your memory will be like a long-forgotten dream of a life never lived. They’re Market Folk now.
    
    - VV